Wisdom of the Ages

An Old Farmer's Advice

1. Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong
2. Keep skunks and bankers at a distance
3. Life is simpler when you plow around the stump
4. A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor
5. Words that soak into your ears are whispered... not yelled
6. Meanness don't jes' happen overnight
7. Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads
8. Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you
9. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge
10. You cannot unsay a cruel word
11. Every path has a few puddles
12. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty
13. The best sermons are lived, not preached
14. Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway
15. Don't judge folks by their relatives
16. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer
17. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time
18. Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none
19. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain Dance
20. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'
21. The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'
22. Always drink upstream from the herd
    
23. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment
24. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in
25. Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got
26. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around
27. Live simply, generously, and deeply
28. Speak kindly and leave the rest to God
29. Don't pick a fight with an old man — if he is too old to fight,he'll just kill you!

The 10 Lesser-Known Murphy's Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool
5. The 50–50–90 rule: Anytime you have a 50–50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong, and a tax is a fine for doing well — This is the modern method of government financing.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty

Pithy Sayings

1. Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them.
2. If you want dreams to come true, you have to try things out and learn to accept failure as an opportunity to learn.
3. When asked to explain how he solved the problem, he said: "Lack of experience." He meant that he brought few preconceived notions to the task. Therefore, he had the mental flexibility to consider novel approaches.
4. You never know what you can do without until you try.
5. Money is not everything, but it is far ahead of whatever is in second place.
6. The proverbs says there are three things that never return: the spent arrow, the spoken word, and the lost opportunity.
7. When everything is said and done, a lot more will be said than done.
8. He has been described as a man who talked a lot, but never had anything to say.
9. It is possible to destroy in a few hours that which has taken years to construct. To be a builder is much more fulfilling than being a destroyer.
10. If the wolf is not at your door, don't go out and invite him to come in.
11. No matter how you slice the pie, if you eat it all the calories are the same.
12. The more complicated life becomes, the more necessary it is to see that our priorities are right.
13. He has the ability to snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory.
14. You cannot make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
15. Don't ever assume anything. And don't overlook the obvious.
16. Behind some successful husbands, there are two women: a conniving wife and a surprised mother–in–law.
17. My great concern is not that you have failed, but whether you are content with your failure.
18. More baseball players are beaten by themselves than are ever beaten by an opposing team.
19. Excuses, like opportunities, are a do–it–yourself project.
20. He was so stupid that he could clean both ears with one long Q–tip.
21. Never try to teach a pig to sing. It's a waste of your time, and it annoys the pig.
22. A real leader is someone who may be chased down the street by an angry mob but will make it look like he is leading a triumphal parade.
23. One man said: "My idea of hell is the thought that I might have to live in the world you seem itching to put together."
24. We have become increasingly an audience waiting to be entertained. Never before have we been able to live in a world with so many forms of unreality.
25. There are times when we need to be protected from the seduction of eloquence.
26. Beware of the emphases of advertising and other liberal media. They are becoming the creators of our moral ethic.
27. Fertilizer is most beneficial when evenly spread, but highly damaging when so greatly concentrated.
28. Sometimes I feel that I have set sail on the Sea of Ambiguity, in the good ship Mediocrity, to the port of Wishful Thinking.
29. In matters of religion and politics, too many people seem to have taken their principles of exegesis from Mark Twain. He said: "Get the facts first; then you can distort them as you wish."
30. If you just wait long enough, every dog has his day.
31. It's not only later than you think, it is sooner than you expect.
32. A fanatic is someone who redoubles his efforts long after he has forgotten his aim.
33. He had such an Ego problem. He was always having a group portrait taken of himself.
34. He was one of those people who give out of things to say long before he stops talking.
35. He has the ability to use fine phrases that have no meaning.
36. He is able to evade taking a stand on important issues by a little timely hypocrisy and a lot of smooth talking.
37. There are two things in life that are especially hard to deal with, one is failure and the other is success.
38. The Early Church banished people, declared their writings and views ungodly, and required all serious thinking people to ignore them. They burned books and sometimes boiled the writers in oil. Some people today seem to want to reestablish these practices.
39. When viewing a news event, sometimes the story is in the noise, and sometimes the story is in the silence.
40. When you are looking for a needle in a haystack, don't burn down the haystack. There must be other methods to use in finding the needle.
41. Do we give more time and attention than they deserve to events which others label a "crisis?" Have they created an artificial urgency?
42. The average person will go to great lengths to avoid hard thinking about serious issues. We allow some unknown columnist, commentator or celebrity to tell us what to think.
43. One of the main lessons we learn from history is that we do not learn many lessons from history.
44. He had a really dull personality. In fact, he could brighten up any room just by leaving it.
45. Things are not crucial to life.
46. If you do what you have always done, you will get what you've always gotten.
47. Violent behavior is an expression of failure. It always takes more brains, resourcefulness, and heroism to make peace than war.
48. It is extremely important to keep our mind active and pure. The inner life of a person generally determines the future destiny.
49. Great music has the ability to organize our confused feelings into distinct apprehensions of life.
50. The only good argument against a strong north wind is to put on your overcoat.
51. We seldom are as good as our words or intentions, or as bad as we might be.
52. Many people go through life riding the gaily–painted prancing horse of a merry–go–round. The motion and music may be fun, but they discover that after many revolutions they have gone nowhere.
53. Talk about a boring fellow — I know a man who spent his evenings admiring his collection of corn flakes.
54. Here is an axiom of faith: the child who has to go to the bathroom in the middle of a church service will always be sitting near the front pew.
55. There comes a point in writing a story when one more word ruins the story.
56. We must never forget the responsibility knowledge brings.
57. Isolation tends to produce a narrow environment and view of life. In such an environment people are likely to lose perspective, magnify trifles, and get on one another's nerves. It is vital that we broaden our horizons and take steps to keep growing.
58. There is always the danger that by the time a great idea gets organized and ready to be put into practice, the original impulse or motive will be forgotten. Minor details may be substituted for the great idea and become the preoccupation, thereby canceling the whole matter.
59. Robert Louis Stevenson in The Master of Ballantree speaks of the malady of not wanting. It is a malady from which many people suffer. We want a good life, power, position, education, skill, happiness, and the like, but not enough to pay the price. Many a person will deliberately choose not to be what he might have become, and has it in him to become, because he does not want to pay the price.
60. It is always the details that test our claims made in general and sweeping terms.
61. With all the conflicts of the past in mind, the old European man said, "Always keep enough gold on hand to bribe the border guards."
62. Dogs don't bark at parked cars.
63. It often happens that a person's greatness lies not so much within himself but in the task he is given to do.
64. A lie is easily resisted when it is told as a lie. It is when it is presented as truth that it becomes menacing.
65. It would be easier to win a dogsled race with a team of Chihuahuas than to win an argument with someone who knows all things about everything.
66. There is a strong movement today that demands we be politically correct in our speech and social conduct. It is very hard when those in control have a "gotcha" mentality.
67. This guy was born ignorant and has been losing ground ever since.
68. We need some solid reality in our rapidly changing world. Sometimes its not as bad as it looks. Its worse!
69. There are a few core ideas that define what it means to be an American. They are:
    
    
    • Individuals are responsible for themselves, their behavior and actions, and for their own happiness
    • Individuals have rights essential to the pursuit of happiness
    • Government can properly promote only the general welfare of citizens, not the welfare of special and particular groups
    • Government exists to secure our rights, not to create and deliver us happiness.
70. He had neither the wisdom to speak clearly enough to be understood, nor the wit to sit down and shut up.
71. Artificial urgency has infected our society. We run helter–skelter trying to cram into today what could just as well be left until tomorrow. It's an insidious disease that wrecks the lives of countless people.
72. One of the first lessons to learn about living the good life is not to expect applause from those you help. The oppressed and needy are most often ungrateful to their benefactor.
73. The true greatness of a person is revealed by how he treats those who have no power or ability to do him any favor.
74. The more complicated life becomes, the more necessary it is that we have our priorities right. There are so many things of little value and importance that vie for first place.
75. You should never put liquid Joy in the dishwasher. It floods the kitchen with soap bubbles and makes your wife question your sanity.
76. The best place to find a helping hand is at the end of your arm.
77. The opinions expressed by the husband of this house do not always represent the views of the management.
78. Life is a one–way street and you're not coming back.
79. The well–oiled nut behind the steering wheel is the most unreliable part of the car.
80. A friend is one who knows all about you, and loves you just the same.
81. Some people have difficulty in counting calories, and they have figures to prove it.
82. We are all cast in the same mould, some being mouldier than others.
83. Friendship is the one bright light, that keeps on burning day and night.
84. The ideal husband is one who washes up when asked, and dries up, when told.
85. No road is long with good company.
86. The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, and the rest, willing to let them.
87. One thorn of experience is worth a whole wilderness of warning.
88. When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
89. Money never buys friends, it only hires them.
90. Don't despise the little things, often the mosquito is more bother than the elephant.
91. Too many square meals make too many round people.
92. Age is in the mind, not the calendar.
93. Punctuality is the art of making sure you'renever later than the boss.
94. Not only are children a comfort in one's old age,they help one to reach it much sooner.
95. Chop your own wood and it will warm you twice.
96. When you are in deep water it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut.
97. Tact is the art of recognising when to be big and when not to belittle.
98. Friendships multiply joys and divide griefs.
99. To keep solvent, pay as you go, and, if you can't pay don't go.
100. If your only good at odds and ends, be an expert at odds and ends.
101. He who indulges — bulges.
102. The car to watch is the one immediately behind the one in front of you.
103. Just when we think we have made both ends meet, somebody takes away the ends.
104. One way to keep your teenage daughter out of hot water is to put dirty dishes in it.
105. Too many square meals make too many round people.
106. The kind word that fails today, may bear its fruit tomorrow.
107. The tide turns at low water as well as high.
108. Always try to drive so that your licence will expire before you do.
109. The best way to save face, is to keep the lower half shut.
110. Age is a matter of mind. If you don't mind it doesn't matter.
111. Learn to cooperate with the inevitable.
112. The best thing to set aside for old age is all thought of retirement.
113. Worry is interest paid on trouble before it falls due.
114. He who stays in the valley shall never get over the hill.
115. If you want to learn the true value of money try to borrow some.
116. The most efficient labour saving device is still money.
117. The trouble with opportunity's knock, is that it comes disguised as hard work.
118. The longest journey begins with a single step
119. The trouble with what melts in the mouth is that it also bulges in front of the mirror